The Grumpus and Love

The Grumpus and love, it is a tragic tale, but what do you expect from someone called The Grumpus? This tale will also make very little sense, but that is not the Grumpus's fault.

Many many many many (x ten) years ago:

The Grumpus was minding his own business as he plodded around the jungle, when he all of a sudden noticed this beautiful tropical walled garden, the likes of which he had never seen before. So he passed through gates made of gold and was given the obligatory Fig Leaf  to cover his naughty bits.

A rather suspicious looking large purple snake persuaded Grumpus to take this luscious looking red apple and give it to the fur maiden of his choice. Surely nothing bad could happen now?

Au contraire! From the moment that Grumpus took that bloody red apple, he was destined to be unlucky in love and he would pass this fate on through the ages or something like that.... Any fool knows that a lady Grumpus hates apples!

Fast forward through time:

The Grumpus was the official ambassador for the Grumpi at the annual Lupercalia festival, it was a right bloody laugh, there was singing, dancing and nakedness. Surely there was a chance of him getting lucky with someone/thing here? Well there was until a strange bearded fellow by the name of..... Valentine showed up! History becomes clouded around this time and somehow Valentine ended up dead and a saint! What a bastard.

Just who killed Valentine (Hallmark?)

Next we see Grumpus swayed by an alluring ankle, covered in ample green fur and toenails of the most beautiful yellow and brown tones.

This drove Grumpus crazy with desire and he was willing to try anything, so he did what all the cool kids were doing in them days and wrote a postcard to his beloved. Which of course failed miserably, as the silly bugger had no idea where to post the thing.

Nothing was working and poor old Grumpus was getting rather desperate, so he reluctantly decided that he would give the lady Grumpus his heart. Not really understanding what this strange sentiment actually meant, this confused the Grumpus. How could he give his heart, but still be alive and finally get some Grumpus on Grumpus action? As he was pondering this matter, in wanders Snuffles, the pet cat that had kept him company for many a year.....

What finally worked it's magic on the lady Grumpus? Was it love? Was it bollocks! The thought of making someone's life a misery forever was all the aphrodisiac she ever really needed. So they are now miserable together, forever, until one dies (or is murdered).......

Happy Grumpus Day! 

It's the holiday for every holiday that annoys the shit out of you.

Hat tips to people that sparked off an idea: Timethief for Edenish, Juliana for Valentine, Jenn for Vintage/Victorian, Talegends for ball and chain. 

For a far happier magical Valentines day, please wander over to TJ's blog and read/look at  Preparing to find a Valnetine