The Most Depressing Advertisement I Ever Saw!

Am I completely nuts to be upset by this advertisement that appeared

in Better Homes and Gardens?

The Beige Family look pretty happy on their couch watching TV, eating packaged pizza and drinking carbonated sugar water with chemicals in it --followed by chocolate and packaged popcorn.

And all for only $30 !

It makes me want to weep.

Please submit suggestions to improve 

the poor BEIGE FAMILY'S life

$10 to the charity of choice of the most imaginative responee! 

*

Lunch and Brunch Unfit to Munch

Last week, Better Homes and Gardens helped us decorate our swingin' pads with eye-bleeding paisley, fluffy yarn centerpieces, and Robot Victorian style. This week those halcyons of the household take us into the kitchen to show us why breakfast is the most important meal of the day...

Largely, because it's what you should have before coming to one of their brunches or lunches...


Our journey begins here. You've heard of the Trojan Horse? Now meet the Trojan Chicken...


Inside this distracting blue glass hen lurks the dangers of eggs slathered in cream sauce. The egg whites lie in wait at the bottom, underneath the sauce, primed for their cue as second wave support, armed with pointy, pointy toast spears.

While the egg yolks have been sieved into a platoon of granular egg soldiers, ready to surge forth the moment the chicken's cracked open, and conquer the taste buds. They will fight your digestive juices all the way down.

Breakfast has never been so exciting!

Now-- what if you're a single person, without a smiling face to chat with over the breakfast table? No problem! You can create your own, with this "glamourous" eggs benedict.

Sure, it looks like ol' Benedict there is cross-eyed and suffering from some sort of eye infection. But you're single. And you're not getting any younger. You really shouldn't complain.

In fact, if you weren't so picky in the first place, you wouldn't be spending your life alone, would you? But no, you always have to find some little fault with your dates. It's always "This one has weeping eye sores. That one's a mortician and stinks of formaldehyde. This other one taxidermies chipmunks for fun."

It's always something with you. So just sit here with your new friend Benny and try to find something to talk about. No arguments.

But, if things really don't work out between you two, then maybe you'll enjoy this theme brunch instead. I call it the "Mayo Melee"...
Yes, indeed, from the mayoed egg salad to the halved and stuffed to-mayo-toes, you'll say it's a sure case where cholesterol is more!

Maybe you can even squeeze some mayo into those whipped desserts, what do you think? Imagine the surprise they'll get to find that whipped cream is actually packed with mayonnaisey fun!

Ah, but stand back-- I think this next dish is just about ready to blow...

You'd think the retin A would have cleared that up by now, wouldn't you? But, then, Mary had to keep touching it. And it just got bigger. And redder. And it sprouted cherry clusters.

Eventually, it grew into this-- ring around the rosy, bubonic plague style...

Don't you hate it when you start breaking out in tomato aspic? Because once you see those raised aspic bumps, you know the dripping potato salad is soon to follow.

Well, that about dishes up today's post! But I'm sure you'll want to all run off, make one of these mouth-watering creations and share it with the ones you love...

Or, y'know, family.

And don't forget to knit up a floral bouquet for your centerpiece!

• If you missed last Wednesday's Treasure Box post, full of thrifted goodies, click here.
• If you're wondering what the heck I'm talking abour regarding the yarn bouquet, click here.

And otherwise, I hope to see your smiling faces this Wednesday when I tell you about a very unexpected thrifted find!

Lunch and Brunch Unfit to Munch

Last week, Better Homes and Gardens helped us decorate our swingin' pads with eye-bleeding paisley, fluffy yarn centerpieces, and Robot Victorian style. This week those halcyons of the household take us into the kitchen to show us why breakfast is the most important meal of the day...

Largely, because it's what you should have before coming to one of their brunches or lunches...


Our journey begins here. You've heard of the Trojan Horse? Now meet the Trojan Chicken...


Inside this distracting blue glass hen lurks the dangers of eggs slathered in cream sauce. The egg whites lie in wait at the bottom, underneath the sauce, primed for their cue as second wave support, armed with pointy, pointy toast spears.

While the egg yolks have been sieved into a platoon of granular egg soldiers, ready to surge forth the moment the chicken's cracked open, and conquer the taste buds. They will fight your digestive juices all the way down.

Breakfast has never been so exciting!

Now-- what if you're a single person, without a smiling face to chat with over the breakfast table? No problem! You can create your own, with this "glamourous" eggs benedict.

Sure, it looks like ol' Benedict there is cross-eyed and suffering from some sort of eye infection. But you're single. And you're not getting any younger. You really shouldn't complain.

In fact, if you weren't so picky in the first place, you wouldn't be spending your life alone, would you? But no, you always have to find some little fault with your dates. It's always "This one has weeping eye sores. That one's a mortician and stinks of formaldehyde. This other one taxidermies chipmunks for fun."

It's always something with you. So just sit here with your new friend Benny and try to find something to talk about. No arguments.

But, if things really don't work out between you two, then maybe you'll enjoy this theme brunch instead. I call it the "Mayo Melee"...
Yes, indeed, from the mayoed egg salad to the halved and stuffed to-mayo-toes, you'll say it's a sure case where cholesterol is more!

Maybe you can even squeeze some mayo into those whipped desserts, what do you think? Imagine the surprise they'll get to find that whipped cream is actually packed with mayonnaisey fun!

Ah, but stand back-- I think this next dish is just about ready to blow...

You'd think the retin A would have cleared that up by now, wouldn't you? But, then, Mary had to keep touching it. And it just got bigger. And redder. And it sprouted cherry clusters.

Eventually, it grew into this-- ring around the rosy, bubonic plague style...

Don't you hate it when you start breaking out in tomato aspic? Because once you see those raised aspic bumps, you know the dripping potato salad is soon to follow.

Well, that about dishes up today's post! But I'm sure you'll want to all run off, make one of these mouth-watering creations and share it with the ones you love...

Or, y'know, family.

And don't forget to knit up a floral bouquet for your centerpiece!

• If you missed last Wednesday's Treasure Box post, full of thrifted goodies, click here.
• If you're wondering what the heck I'm talking abour regarding the yarn bouquet, click here.

And otherwise, I hope to see your smiling faces this Wednesday when I tell you about a very unexpected thrifted find!

Decorating Ideas under $100: The Good, the Bad and the Funny

When you're totally low on the dough, man, how do you change the look of your pad? How do you bring grooviness and hep jive to your home base? How do you make your bathroom virtually crawl with pattern? Or turn your stately Victorian bath into an abode Mr. Roboto would envy?

This 1971 book I found at the Salvation Army Thrift Store-- "Home Decorating Ideas under $100" was designed to help...

And actually, there are plenty of good ideas between its pages. Update them from their early 70s styling, and they can be applied nicely for today. And I'll share with you a few of those items right now.

It's the Good ideas that then set us up for the, um, surprises later.

I mean, here, we have a perfectly normal, reasonably tranquil late 60s room...

The blue and green color combo was so popular at the time. But they combine it with a more neutral gold-beige background, so it doesn't get too overwhelming.

The focal point is a 60s blue-and-green graphic panel of fabric to bring the eye upward. There's a rather gratuitous glass dog on the hearth, but at least he seems happy. Everything seems spacious and well-balanced.

Yes, nothing suspicious here.

Then we have a kitchen, where colorful floral fabric has been used to create interest and update old cabinets.
The fabric here matches the drapes. But all-in-all, very clean and workable... Nothing eye-poppingly busy. You start to feel almost comfortable with the Better Homes and Gardens people, figuring they must know what they're doing to offer such smart, doable ideas.

And, well...

Okay, so the cabinets covered in cut-out tissue paper flowers above are a bit quirky. And who knows how well they'd hold up to use. But they're cheerful. And what do you expect for ideas under $100?

Okay-dokey, so we move on. To a clever way to display all that popular 70s milkglass...

The paisley background to the white cabinet sets off the interesting shapes of the milkglass dinner service, so it allows the items to be used decoratively when not actually on the dinner table.

This would really work well with any sort of pattern and color-scheme, and any sort of uniform glassware collection, too.

And look, this colorful centerpiece with...

Er, with...

Well, why is that white rabbit there?


Okay, we'll pay no attention to that random rabbit added into the scene for absolutely no discernible reason. And instead, we'll check out... Um...


Okay, I know I'm supposed to be paying attention to how they glued shells inexpensively to some board to create instant art. But my eyes keep going over to the disembodied head of the chick in the bonnet...

What kind of statement are you making when you combine shells with bonneted heads-and-torsos? Are you saying, "Look. I'm earthy and frugal! Also, I have strong negative feelings about the show Gunsmoke"? What would you call this style-- Seaside Pioneer? French Revolution Prairie?

(Shrug)

Then there's this bathroom, that I simply cannot get to scan properly. Why? Because I think the scanner is rebelling in the face of this much pattern in this small of a space...

"It's the wallpaper, with its colorful contemporary design, that makes the small guest powder room come alive. Add to this, a sculptured tin mirror frame, a row of theater lights above it, and unique containers of crystal, silver and bornze, and you have a completely individual retreat for guests."

The walls come alive, all right! And let's just hope none of your guests enjoy refreshments of the narcotic persuasion, or this bathroom might just cause a very bad scene.

"I'm freakin' out, man. The walls see everything and they're comin' for me."

I love how they don't just infest the bathroom with the crawly wall-paper either. They also get a gigantic mirror to reflect the other three walls of it, just in case you missed it when you came in.

Now that's decorating confidence!

But not so confident as this little robotic beauty. Yes, the hills really do have eyes!

"If you have an old-fashioned bathroom of Victorian vintage, flaunt it. The only cost involved in updating the one below was for paint, lumber for a shelf above the bathtub and a wooden theater light frame around the mirror. Use accessories to accent the color of the tub and the wall decorating."

If I had a Victorian clawfoot tub, I somehow don't think I would look at it and say to myself:

"Self, you know what this needs? An eight foot tall purple and orange rendering of the robot Gort looming down on me. Yes, nothing says nice, quiet bubble bath time as being watched loofahing by an acrylic invader from another planet."

Oh, Better Home and Gardens people, you were only setting us up with your clever ideas, weren't you, in order to stick it to us later with your budget Borg Invasion.

Ah well...

Yarn flower centerpiece, anyone?...

Why spend money on fresh flowers, when you could spend money on yarn to make these elegant pom-pom ones?...

Yes, yes, I know. I should have quit when I was ahead.

• If you missed last Sunday's post, about having to adjust even the best laid decorating plans, click here.

Otherwise, I hope to see you Wednesday with our next Treasure Box post. I am feeling a ton better, so a little thrifting was in order!

Hope you all have a happy week ahead of you, too. And with no robots trying to invade your bathtime.

Decorating Ideas under $100: The Good, the Bad and the Funny

When you're totally low on the dough, man, how do you change the look of your pad? How do you bring grooviness and hep jive to your home base? How do you make your bathroom virtually crawl with pattern? Or turn your stately Victorian bath into an abode Mr. Roboto would envy?

This 1971 book I found at the Salvation Army Thrift Store-- "Home Decorating Ideas under $100" was designed to help...

And actually, there are plenty of good ideas between its pages. Update them from their early 70s styling, and they can be applied nicely for today. And I'll share with you a few of those items right now.

It's the Good ideas that then set us up for the, um, surprises later.

I mean, here, we have a perfectly normal, reasonably tranquil late 60s room...

The blue and green color combo was so popular at the time. But they combine it with a more neutral gold-beige background, so it doesn't get too overwhelming.

The focal point is a 60s blue-and-green graphic panel of fabric to bring the eye upward. There's a rather gratuitous glass dog on the hearth, but at least he seems happy. Everything seems spacious and well-balanced.

Yes, nothing suspicious here.

Then we have a kitchen, where colorful floral fabric has been used to create interest and update old cabinets.
The fabric here matches the drapes. But all-in-all, very clean and workable... Nothing eye-poppingly busy. You start to feel almost comfortable with the Better Homes and Gardens people, figuring they must know what they're doing to offer such smart, doable ideas.

And, well...

Okay, so the cabinets covered in cut-out tissue paper flowers above are a bit quirky. And who knows how well they'd hold up to use. But they're cheerful. And what do you expect for ideas under $100?

Okay-dokey, so we move on. To a clever way to display all that popular 70s milkglass...

The paisley background to the white cabinet sets off the interesting shapes of the milkglass dinner service, so it allows the items to be used decoratively when not actually on the dinner table.

This would really work well with any sort of pattern and color-scheme, and any sort of uniform glassware collection, too.

And look, this colorful centerpiece with...

Er, with...

Well, why is that white rabbit there?


Okay, we'll pay no attention to that random rabbit added into the scene for absolutely no discernible reason. And instead, we'll check out... Um...


Okay, I know I'm supposed to be paying attention to how they glued shells inexpensively to some board to create instant art. But my eyes keep going over to the disembodied head of the chick in the bonnet...

What kind of statement are you making when you combine shells with bonneted heads-and-torsos? Are you saying, "Look. I'm earthy and frugal! Also, I have strong negative feelings about the show Gunsmoke"? What would you call this style-- Seaside Pioneer? French Revolution Prairie?

(Shrug)

Then there's this bathroom, that I simply cannot get to scan properly. Why? Because I think the scanner is rebelling in the face of this much pattern in this small of a space...

"It's the wallpaper, with its colorful contemporary design, that makes the small guest powder room come alive. Add to this, a sculptured tin mirror frame, a row of theater lights above it, and unique containers of crystal, silver and bornze, and you have a completely individual retreat for guests."

The walls come alive, all right! And let's just hope none of your guests enjoy refreshments of the narcotic persuasion, or this bathroom might just cause a very bad scene.

"I'm freakin' out, man. The walls see everything and they're comin' for me."

I love how they don't just infest the bathroom with the crawly wall-paper either. They also get a gigantic mirror to reflect the other three walls of it, just in case you missed it when you came in.

Now that's decorating confidence!

But not so confident as this little robotic beauty. Yes, the hills really do have eyes!

"If you have an old-fashioned bathroom of Victorian vintage, flaunt it. The only cost involved in updating the one below was for paint, lumber for a shelf above the bathtub and a wooden theater light frame around the mirror. Use accessories to accent the color of the tub and the wall decorating."

If I had a Victorian clawfoot tub, I somehow don't think I would look at it and say to myself:

"Self, you know what this needs? An eight foot tall purple and orange rendering of the robot Gort looming down on me. Yes, nothing says nice, quiet bubble bath time as being watched loofahing by an acrylic invader from another planet."

Oh, Better Home and Gardens people, you were only setting us up with your clever ideas, weren't you, in order to stick it to us later with your budget Borg Invasion.

Ah well...

Yarn flower centerpiece, anyone?...

Why spend money on fresh flowers, when you could spend money on yarn to make these elegant pom-pom ones?...

Yes, yes, I know. I should have quit when I was ahead.

• If you missed last Sunday's post, about having to adjust even the best laid decorating plans, click here.

Otherwise, I hope to see you Wednesday with our next Treasure Box post. I am feeling a ton better, so a little thrifting was in order!

Hope you all have a happy week ahead of you, too. And with no robots trying to invade your bathtime.

Extreme Entertaining: Livin’ Large with 60s Better Homes and Gardens

"A party atmosphere, a gracious hostess-- entertaining at its best!" So says this 1960s Better Homes and Gardens book, the Guide to Entertaining. Hip, happening hostesses of the time knew, this book was chock-full of all the tips and tricks needed for crazy evenings of wild, whoopin'-it-up revelry...


Okay, maybe more like strained and pained yawnfests punctuated by somewhat mentally-unstable creative displays...

Or what would happen if the cast of the Lawrence Welk show were unknowingly slipped brownies made of some questionable ingredients.

So come with me today as we examine these x-treme table settings, international joie de vivre, creative onion-and-light displays, and parties so mad the guests might just try to eat the centerpieces--

Let the good times roll!

Like this rip-roaring evening of family fun...


Folks of all ages can enjoy an evening playing the party game that all the hep young kiddies are talking about-- Skittles!

Why, just look at Granddad on the left up there. He hasn't had this much fun since he got his first Social Security check. And everyone else up there looks...

Well, they look... um...


Like...

Okay, so maybe it's not the fun-fest you'd hope for. Grandma has apparently forgotten what this game is called, and who these people are. She thinks one of them might be her nephew, but she can't be sure.

Later, she will be looking for her purse and realize she brought her husband's bowling bag instead. He'll go through it when they get home, and find she's taken some Skittles pins with her, "in case they need them." There will also be the sugar from the sugar bowl off the dining table, rolling around at the bottom of the bag. She'll claim she was just borrowing a cup for later.

Yes, Grandpa will be making her a nice appointment with Dr. Brown for this coming week.

Here we see more unbridled festivities, at a Christmas tea...


Do you get the vague feeling that woman in green deeply dislikes that woman in red? Just look at that forced smile!


She's got that look like she promised to be nice to this woman for the sake of neighbor relations, or little Timmy's PTA group. And then the moment the guests leave, she'll be talking about how she had to put up with that insufferable Mrs. Todd from down the street...

And how that woman said she'd "never seen green party punch before" and how "unusual and unique" it was: a Toddism for "I hope you don't expect to be voted room-mother anytime soon."

And look all the big fun those women aren't having in the back... I think they're hiding because they never cared for Mrs. Todd much, either.

Of course, you can understand where some of these party-goers might wear expressions of confusion and concern when you see some of the suggested entrees. Like for this "party-time brunch"...


The yellow hedgehogs are apparently mutated butter pats. And that dripping ring o' goo they're sitting in the center of is a "coffee ring made from refrigerated breakfast rolls and Canadian-style bacon"... I wonder what that sauce is, then. Icing? Bacon grease? Gravy?

Mmmm.

Well, what do you do when one of your friends will be soon saying "Bon Voyage"?

Why, encourage them to leave that much quicker with a going away party punctuated by some... inspirational... centerpieces.


Going to Venice? How about rowing this handmade mini-canal boat onto the tablesetting?

"A night in Venice is a romantic setting. The flower laden gondola is made with strips of cardboard bent and taped together on the prow and stern. The cardboard canopy is trimmed with gummed labels and held with matchsticks."

Tape and matchsticks! You're guests will be singing "O Solo Mio" in no time!...

Or, maybe they're headed to Holland? This "delightful Dutch garden blooms with brilliance!"

"The windmill is made from a half-gallon milk carton with additional pieces cut from lightweight cardboard and sticks. Add color by covering parts of the mill with paper. Build a garden of narcissus around the windmill."

Nothing says a classy goodbye like miniature milk-carton adaptations of the place your guests will be visiting.

Or how about creating "a Viking atmosphere" for someone going to Sweden?...


"The quaint candelabra started out as a wool-winder to which have been added stubby candles and wooden gnomes nailed to the four corners. "

Because the Vikings did so love their lawn gnomes. The history section is simply filled with books about the Vikings and their proud wooden gnomes. You almost can't go to Barnes and Noble's ancient history shelves without tripping over some tale of Lief Eriksen and his lucky lawn gnome.

Or maybe you'd like to get your hula on and create your own luau, inviting all your friends and family...


Uncle Lloyd here isn't one to really know the finer things... But to his credit, he's willing to try virtually anything once. That's why he seems to be about to pile his plate with this stalk of the centerpiece flowers...


Someone please tell him bromelades are not for noshing. Remember the last time, when he ate the scented wax airfreshener? Not pretty.

Or perhaps someone you know is adventuring to see the wonders of Egypt!

"The primitive Egyptian allure of this setting is echoed by using ordinary building bricks (with ready-made holes) sprayed black and an inexpensive plaster statue. Completing the Nile scene is the place mat sprayed black to fit the scheme."

I never thought of the Nile being black before. Or Egyptian statuary. But did you know the sarcophagus of King Tut was all black once, and not the gold and red and blue we think of today? Er, yeah. Sure, it was.

And see, that is the terrific thing about these vintage decorating books-- we don't just learn about decorating... We get history, too.

And speaking of history, let's hearken back to the American South for this "Plantation Breakfast," the time where everyone wore British riding jackets, and let the hounds out, and put green plaster Staffordshire peacocks on the table...

"A Plantation Breakfast says southern hospitality and all that phrase brings to mind."

As long as it brings to mind southern England...

Yoiks and tally ho!

Well, what if you want to do a table display but don't have a big theme party in mind? "Let imagination and a few simple accessories create an ingenious centerpiece..."

"Bunches of red onions surrounding matching red candles glow even more with the addition of tiny strands of Christmas tree lights entwined among them. "

And gosh, wasn't I glad that just happened to have had 40 onions on hand? Of course, who doesn't, right?

But now, I hear you asking-- what about the kiddies in these festivities? Well, we certainly haven't forgotten them! In fact-- guess who's cooking Christmas Eve dinner?

"Turn Christmas Eve supper over to your children. It's easy for the kids to make the sandwiches and the Tomato-Chicken-Rice Combo. All the soup recipe calls for is ready-made soup in cans and water. The youngsters will enjoy their active roll in the evening's festivities and learn how to be gracious hosts and hostesses."

Am I the only one here envisioning burnt grilled cheese and tomato soup on the chandeliers? Ho, ho, ho... holy heck!

Well, that's all we have for today.

• If you missed last Wednesday's deep denial of the cold by sharing photos of sunny Florida, click here.

• And if you didn't get a chance to check out the latest Valentine's decorating around the ol' house, click here.

Otherwise, I'll see you this coming Wednesday, perhaps, for something else that I hope will be equally entertaining...

But I'll probably hold the onions.