Happy Holidays and all that bollocks

Tis a few days after Christmas now and I hope those that celebrate this time of year did indeed have a nice time? Or at least managed to get through it without killing anyone....

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Operation Lopitoff complete

Well Operation Lopitoff has been completed and I now have a one legged mumborg.

Waiting, waiting and a bit of waiting.

Although I knew that the operation would most likely be on the Friday just gone, it was not for definite. So on Thursday, the triumvirate finally made the decision that the leg would be lopped off on the Friday. I am nicknaming the three surgeons the 'Triumvirate', because it sounds cool and there are three of them. The gruesome thrusome, didn't quite work or sound evil enough. Even though to all accounts they are all lovely and have just fallen victim to my artistic license.
Anyhoo back on track, things were scheduled to kick off at around 11am on Friday morning. I think waiting around for word from the hospital is quite possibly one of the most difficult things about these types of situations. You are literally helpless. If you have flown recently, you may have noticed the flight tracker thingy on the little screen that lets you know the flight progress, one of those would be great for surgery. Although if things started flashing and suddenly went blank, that may cause some concern...
You try not to let your mind wander 'there', my there is the death type of 'there'.  The thought of the mumborg dying on the operating table is a nightmare of mine. But like every surgery, there is that tricky thing of complications and possibilities, so I would rather be armed with the worst possible outcomes, than blind to them.
After sevenish hours of waiting, we finally heard that she was out of surgery and had ended up straight back on her ward. I was expecting HDU at the very least, maybe even ICU time, but for her to be back on her ward was good news. At first when I heard she was back on her ward, I actually hoped that they hadn't done the operation or had somehow fixed the leg. I went through all those thoughts in my head, because I didn't want any disappointment to show in my face. The dad went to see her first, they needed a moment just for themselves. Then a while later, Heather and I went in.
My eyes went first to the large space where the leg and bits once were, in that moment it seemed like a huge chunk of her was missing. It is hard to put into words how it feels in that moment, because as you are looking, your mind is already adapting. I suppose I would go with 'weird', it just felt weird. Then the mumborg speaks and the weirdness fades a wee bit, because it is still her.

It doesn't grow back

As far as the surgeons are concerned the operation went well, even though they are still upset that it came to this. I think they are relieved that things are healing well and mumborg came through the operation in as good a condition as one could expect.

Where is the leg?
The Mumborg was hoping that they would be able to do something useful with the leg, at least study the epic fail of a limb that it is, but alas no. Due to the very heavy restrictions on all things in regards to infection control, the leg had to go straight to the incinerator. I guess that could be classed as a funeral of sorts, well at least a cremation. Unfortunately we don't get the ashes, so when she does pop her clogs in the far far distant future she will be missing a bit.

One Legged Mumborg

I found a earlier model of the one legged mumborg here - One legged hopper

Once the relief kicks in that the mumborg made it through the operation, the realisation that I have a one legged mumborg sets in. You know it is going to happen, you talk about it happening, but then it actually happens. Quite frankly it is rather shocking, a large part of a person you love is missing. Tis not the outward that makes up the essence of a person, so whilst she is incomplete on the outside, inside in a soul like way she is the same person. Does that make it easier to get your hand around? Yes to some extent it does.

What next?

Let us leave that morbid stuff behind and focus on the positive stuff, which is basically wrapped up in one neat package called 'Mumborg'. The mumborg is already 'up' and about, in regards to being allowed in her electric wheelchair, but that is causing some pain, not that she would admit to it. The wound is dry (no ooze or blood) and she may even be allowed off the antibiotics soon. I thought she would be on IV antibiotics for months, but looks like this wont be happening, which is great.
The next challenge is physiotherapy and the question of will she be able to walk on crutches? Considering that her shoulders dislocate all the time and the other leg is not exactly fantastic, this possibility is still very much up in the air. Although the mumborg is determined to walk again, so who am I to discourage that. If things go really well, then she could be home soon and back to being the pain in my arse, hooray!


Random thoughts
Time flies when you are not having fun! Can't believe it has been nearly two weeks since I wrote anything on here. It has been a roller-coaster of emotions, that has left me feeling a bit nauseous and very bloody tired!


If you have only recently joined in on the mumborg adventures just click the 'mum' to find out more.

Risking Life and Limb

When writing the post entitled The Resilient Leg, I already knew that the bloody thing wasn't resilient. It should have been called The Resilient Mumborg, as she keeps going even when certain limbs become defective and dangerous. Can you guess where I am going with this post? The thing that I had hoped I would never have to write about, well one of the things anyways. The Mumborg and the not so resilient leg have decided to part ways and it is not on good terms at all. There is nothing more the doctors can do with the leg, other than lop it off, so that is what they will be doing in a few weeks. It takes a while to get things sorted. Teams of surgeons, an operating theatre booked for the day, oodles of blood ready to go. Also the mumborg has to be in as tip top shape as one can be, when one is having their leg removed.

Amputate verb
cut off, remove, separate, sever, curtail, truncate, lop off.

The type of amputation is call a Hind-quarter amputation or a

Hemipelvectomy (posh whatnot name as one of mum's nurses said)

(Science: procedure) amputation of a lower limb through the sacroiliac joint.

How do you feel?
People have asked me, including myself how hearing that the mumborg losing the leg is affecting me.
Do you want to know that I have sat here with tears running downing my face, trying to choke them back at times. I don't want a hug, I don't want sympathy, and I want to cry about it. I don't want the feelings to overwhelm me, but I don't want to ignore them either. There is a sense of relief letting the tears flow and at times snot flows too, then I wipe my face with dressing gown sleeve and carry on. I don't want an audience when I feel like this, I am not bottling it up, it is just mine and for me. So when people ask, I say 'If the mum is okay, then so am I', it is my new mantra. I know it is a shit situation, I know I have every reason to be upset, I also know that words and hugs wont make it all better. That probably makes me sound like an ungrateful wretch, but that is just how I roll. That doesn't mean don't ask me or don't express what you are feeling, I appreciate it, and I really do. It all gets filed into a special place that I know I can dip into when I need it.

When good old Willy wrote this:

"Care I for the limb, the thews, the stature, bulk, and big assemblance of a man! Give me the spirit."

 William Shakespeare quotes (English Dramatist, Playwright and Poet, 1564-1616)

I don't think Willy had the mumborg in mind, or indeed amputation, but for me this sums up what is important. The mumborg is full of spirit no matter what her body has in mind for her, her spirit is as resilient as ever. If she was devastated about this, I have no idea how I would feel, luckily I don't have to go there. As I looked around for more appropriate limb quotes, if there is such a thing, I came across this one

"The loss of a friend is like that of a limb; time may heal the anguish of the wound, but the loss cannot be repaired."

Robert Southey quotes (English Poet and Writer of prose. 1774-1843)

Is that true I wonder? Will time heal the anguish, but leave a loss? Luckily through writing, even when it feels indulgent and emo, I am thankful for this space to write. Mainly because I will be able to look back at this in a few weeks, months or years and see how things have changed for me.


How does the mumborg feel?
The mumborg has had to live with the pain, the operations, the long long hospital stays and everything else. So quite frankly she is more than okay with divorcing this limb. Yet again I went quote searching for a way to sum up how she has explained it to me and this one does it quite well.

"I would consent to have a limb amputated to recover my spirits"

 Samuel Johnson quotes (English
Poet, Critic and Writer. 1709-1784)

Where is the leg going?
Once the leg is removed it will more than likely be incinerated, the mumborg thinks this is wasteful and has asked whether it would be of use to anyone else. That made me laugh , maybe the local zoo would like it for lion food? She wasn't impressed with my suggestion of cremating the leg and keeping it in a mini urn, waiting for the rest of her. I thought it was a practical suggestion, apparently not. Joking aside maybe some medical students can practice their suturing skills on it or something like that, seems a shame to just chuck it in a furnace. Although as I am typing this, I actually think 'Fuck it' and 'Burn that fucker' would be more appropriate.

Final thoughts for now
The operation is going to be horrendous, with side effects of severe blood loss and possibly death, so until the operation stage is over I am just going to focus on the day to day things of life, as best I can. After that I will be looking into the new world of buying one shoe, one legged doodles and all things amputee related.

I have not forgotten about my mental health monsters, I have more than ever developing and welcome the chance to indulge in something that feels rewarding, whilst still being hugely enjoyable.

If you have only recently joined in on the mumborg adventures just click the 'mum' to find out more.

The Resilient Leg

I was going to call this thread a more niftier sounding title than 'The Resilient Leg', but something tells me that the following title is kinda long winded.

Removal of the hip,femoral and knee bone to clear infection before reconstruction, leaving leg 'floppy' for that time until leg is infection clear.

Anyhoo the mumborg had operation 8, since February, yesterday, which resulted in the Removal of the hip,femoral and knee bone to clear infection before reconstruction, leaving leg 'floppy' for that time until leg is infection clear. The mumborg actually said something about trying to get in the Guinness book of world records for number of operations in shortest period of time, I was not amused. It is hard to imagine what exactly I mean by 'floppy' unless you can see what I mean. I will try an draw it for you:

If you remember the Option A, B or C? post, you will see that it is Option A that they sort of went for. The risk now as always is infection, infection and more infection. Only until it is 100% infection free will they go ahead and try and reconstruct the leg. So yesterdays operation was only the first part of the long continuing process of trying to save this ruddy leg. It is always in the forefront of my mind that the mumborg might lose the leg anyway, but it is better to be prepared for that. The mumborg signed the consent form for amputation yesterday, luckily it didn't come to that this time. If she can cope with losing the leg, then who I am to say anything? Although of course I did say something along the lines of 'Bloody fucking hell mum'.

I am pondering writing and doodling a guide to visiting people in hospital, especially aimed at people who are in hospital for a long time. It will be a mix of sarcasm, a few stabs at wretched family members and some useful stuff. I asked the mumborg to help me with some tips from a patients prospective, sound fun? There is a whole range of topics to be covered, from what gifts to buy to how often one should visit.

Ps: To Gracie, The mumborg adored your card and has shown it to every visitor. They of course think its rather strange that the mumborg is receiving cards from people I know off the 'internet', also they don't get the 'mumborg' thing either. What is important, is that the mumborg loved it and wanted me to pass it on how much so.

I also do pass on well wishes from folks on here, BC and twitter, the mumborg is amused by it all and tells the nurses that my blog is read by millions (lol). I think the fame has gone to her head.

I know people wonder why I write about the mumborg on here and on twitter, especially when things look grave. The simple fact is that all these thoughts are swirling around in my head and they need to go somewhere. I also hope that other people in similar situations, with parents and loved ones in hospital get something from it too?

Option A, B or C ?

 The mumborg was shipped back to the reconditioning unit two weeks ago for a supposed quick patch job. Basically her leg had still not healed well at all from previous surgery and was looking decidedly infected. So the district nurses assumed that a clean out and new vacuum pump would do the trick.

 Well things are just not that simple when it comes to the mumborg, it seems she just can’t adjust to the bionic parts of her. Is it that she is just too human, fighting against assimilation? Or that I have watched Star Trek far too many times? The head doctor like person was not impressed at all with the healing process and his previous handy work, so declared it open season on the leg. After consulting with his surgeons and various bone specialists, they came up with these options:

Option A: Removal of all metal work and bone fragments from hip to knee. Leaving a floppy boneless leg above the knee. Leaving leg like this for 3 - 6 months, blasting away all infections and then see about reconstructing it.

Option B: A thorough clean out and removal of all bone fragments, new shiny metal bits and an antibiotic implant. 

Option C: Lopping the leg off, otherwise known as amputation. In this case it would be a hind quarter amputation. I think it is that anyway, I did sort of tune out when I found out this was a definite possibility.

Not quite the news I wanted to hear, especially after thinking this was just going to be a quick hose down and patch job. How do you get your head round news like that?

 Well the surgery happened on Friday and unfortunately they couldn't do exactly what they wanted, so a compromise between A -B was made. Apparently the previous handiwork could not be easily removed and bone fragments were splintering causing problems. So after an exhaustive 6-7 hours, a rest break with showers and using enough instruments to kit out a butcher, they called it quits. The mumborg was awake throughout this procedure so the surgeon continually popped his head around the curtain to keep her updated. How aware the mumborg was is debatable as she was heavily medicated for the obvious pain. She was told that if they didn't quit at this point it would have to be option C and they were not ready to go down that avenue at this point.

 On visiting the mumborg that night after the surgery, I did not know what option they had gone for, so guess what I was looking for? Yep after checking that she was okay I checked for two legs, actually I checked for the two legs first. The mumborg was her usual cheerful self, albeit slightly pissed off after being vented. Never mind the fact that she nearly lost her leg, don’t put the mumborg on a ventilator, she hates it.

 What is next for the mumborg and the malfunctioning limb? Well option C is not off the cards and it is something I am trying to get use to. The mumborg is okay with Option C, as she is bloody fed up with all this hospital time. I have struggled with the thought of the mumborg being an amputee, sobbed at some times and been punch the wall kind of angry. Then I reached the conclusion that if she is okay with it, then so shall I. The mumborg and her attitude has allowed me to reach this conclusion, if she had reacted differently to it, then I would be in bits.

 Yesterday was World Donor Day and I had every intention of doing a post on it, but life got in the way. So I will just mention the fact that during surgery the mumborg needed 2 units of blood and today the wound erupted which meant more blood loss. This led to her needing some blood and she will need more blood throughout the night to replace what she has lost. It is only in times like this do I really recognise why giving blood is truly important. Would I be so concerned about people giving blood if my loved ones or I had never needed a single drop? I can't truthfully say that I would. 

 Standing at a blogging crossroads, as this will be the last entry that will go towards my final piece of college work. After that is done and dusted will I bother to blog? I know I would like to continue, but not sure what to do at the moment.

Who cares?

The mumborg is finally feeling better, the IV antibiotics were producing a toxic effect, so she needed some anti sickness injections to stop those chundery feelings. The vacuum closure system has also been playing up, so the district nurse visits have been a bit longer, with dressing changes and extra injections. I have to say, that the district nurses have been really fantastic, super efficient and friendly. I don't know what happened last time we needed them, but it was not as pleasant. The black sponge you can see in the image above acts as a plug and makes sure no gunk escapes back into the wound. The tube you can see, takes the gunk to the machine seen in this post Blood and Gunk. The image below shows the PICC line, which is used for the IV antibiotics. The mumborg has informed me that I should inform the world that she now has to take 70 tablets daily, as well all the injections and IV stuff. (she also has become demanding about taking pictures of this wee little cut of hers, sheesh).

I decided it was about time I found out what support was out there for me 'The Carer', because it has become very apparent that if you don't look yourself, nobody is actually going to do anything for you.
After a frustrating few hours of trying to find the phone number of the local carers centre, I eventually sent off a random email in the hope that it would reach the right person, it did! It turned out that there is no actual centre in my town any more, but a centre in the next town covers my area and a whole lot more. The Princess Royal Trust for Carers has took over the centre and has secured funding for three years, which is great news! More info about them can be found here The Princess Royal Trust for Carer's .
What does a Carer's centre do? Well firstly they offer you drink and are really nice, well these ladies certainly were. I was already a bit flustered, as I had walked past the ruddy place three times, due to being a buffoon (heh). I am sure it was hidden from me at first, or I could just be a bit dim...(no need to answer that). So to be met by such nice folks was just lovely.
After I briefly explained my reasons for being there, which were 'I'm a carer' and 'I have no idea', I was sat down with a form and then one of the ladies sat with me and we went through it together. It was basically all about who you look after, what you do, how you feel and what you need help with. Once they have a better idea of your situation, then they can dish out the right advice.
At the moment, I need help with career advice and financial assistance for further training, so I was supplied with some great information and phone numbers. I will blog about that more after I have spoken to the folks in question, sometime this week. It sounds really promising though and it could be just what I needed help with. As well as benefit advice, it was also decided I needed some pampering, woot! So on Thursday I get to have my hair done and on Friday I am getting a facial and holistic massage, all free!
That is just a small sample of the advice and help they have to offer, now they have my contact details, they will check in on me every couple of weeks and keep me updated with any information relevant to my situation.
If you are a carer in the UK, I would strongly urge you to check out your local carers centre, even if you just want someone to chat to, Do it! Also check out Carer's UK.

A day of blood loss

Individual photographs found here 

On Friday the 27th of February I finally got off my arse and gave blood for the first time.
I decided to live tweet the event, because I needed some moral support (virtual kick up the arse). So it went something like this:

1.Mumborg has just gone off to theatre and I have just stuffed my face with spinach and rocket in preparation for #giveblood session.3:13 PM Feb 27th from TweetDeck
2.Nearly at blood place now. Feeling nervous and dishevelled. #giveblood5:37 PM Feb 27th from txt
3.Filling in forms now and there is a big queue. #giveblood5:47 PM Feb 27th from txt
Reading booklet thing about blood safety whilst waiting to #giveblood6:05 PM Feb 27th from txt
4.Just been health checked and iron levels are good. Its on to the next stage #giveblood6:18 PM Feb 27th from txt
5.Palms are getting sweaty now its getting nearer to #giveblood time!6:24 PM Feb 27th from txt
6.I think its me next halp! #giveblood6:25 PM Feb 27th from txt
7.I am now losing blood feels okay! #giveblood6:42 PM Feb 27th from txt
8.Half way! Still feels fine. #giveblood6:47 PM Feb 27th from txt
9.http://twitpic.com/1qb45 -6:51 PM Feb 27th from TwitPic
10.I am done in eight minutes flat biscuit and juice time. #giveblood6:54 PM Feb 27th from txt
11.Do it for the biscuits they are yum! #giveblood6:57 PM Feb 27th from txt
12.http://twitpic.com/1qc3z -7:24 PM Feb 27th from TwitPic
13.http://twitpic.com/1qcet -7:35 PM Feb 27th from TwitPic

Okay here is some filler, because sometimes a simple tweet is not enough, even though the needle twitpic was probably too much for some.
On arrival at the blood donation centre (a church hall), I was told that there would be a long wait for folks with no appointments. As I was one of those folks, I could of legged it then, but I was determined to do it. So I filled in my form and joined the other blood givers. The form filling wasn't difficult at all, just a brief tick list of recent travels, if you have had any unprotected sexual encounters and brief medical history. All very basic yes/no stuff, so if your a bit form phobic like myself, there is nothing to worry about.

Then after waiting awhile perusing though the facts and figures of blood giving, I was called for my basic health check. This involved going through the initial form in a bit more detail and a pinprick to test for iron levels. The pinprick was painless and they then drop a blob of blood into a phial, if the blood sinks, hey presto you can give blood. I think the spinach and rocket came in handy, as I always have to reassure people that I am not anaemic just very very pale.

Onto the next waiting area, which was two rows of chairs away from the first waiting area, alas no luxury for us blood givers. I have to admit that the palms were starting to get a wee bit sweaty at this point, but I wasn't left long enough to get too nervous. I had to hop up on a bed and then the nurse took my blood pressure. There were six beds in total, right in the middle of hall for everyone to see, but it still felt very relaxed. After a few making fists and releases, I then had to make a fist and hold it tight (not sure if that sounds right). I had to this for both arms to see which had the better vein, they were about the same. Which was good news for twittering! As I got to keep my right arm free. The nurse didn't seem too impressed by twittering, I think she thought I was just jabbering away nervously.

Now that she had a picked my left arm, I had to make a fist and release my hand a few times and finally make a fist and hold it.The area was then cleaned with an alcohol swab and the needle was inserted. I wont lie and say I couldn't feel a thing, because I could. It was not painful at all, not even horrid like the needles they use at the dentist. It was just slightly uncomfortable because you could feel the needle there.Once the needle is in and the blood is flowing you can relax your hand. To keep the blood flowing nicely, you just gently make a fist and release it constantly. I just lay there listening to the background music (Kings of Leon) and twittered a few times, before being told I was all done! Eight minutes was all it took to potentially save three people's lives.

After the needle is removed, painless again, the area is cleaned and plaster whacked on. You get up nice and slowly, wait for a moment to sit up properly and then you are released for biscuits and juice. The nurse recommended that your drink a cold drink at your first session, not sure why. The biscuits were yum and I found myself sat there feeling peaceful and slightly smug with the satifaction that I had done something nice. I have to wait a few weeks to hopefully get my card and see if my blood is any good. Then in four months, I will be giving blood again. I may video it next time!

1.Simple steps to blood giving found here

2.Virtual session here 

Thanks to the tweeps!
The folks on twitter really gave me the support I needed to do it. Sometimes it just doesn't work when you say 'Oh I think I will give blood this time'. By tweeting it, I added that little bit of pressure to live up to the promise I had made to myself. Also to everyone else that gave me support, god this is turning into an Oscar like speech, but it really helped honest!
I tried to keep track as much as possible using the hashtag #giveblood and following it on my tweetfeed.

Of course in the back of my mind was the mumborg, as I was waiting to give blood, she was losing it in surgery.The wound was successfully cleaned and the clot removed. To hopefully prevent any more clots forming, she now has three drains coming directly out of her leg. They look like mini hosepipes, rather horrid. So things are feeling uncomfortable for her at the moment, but the leg is otherwise fine, sort of! I think you should give blood regardless of personally circumstances, but it took this latest bout of mumborg surgery to really make me think about it. Please don't be like me and give blood when/if you can.

Sod the rubber sword

“Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood”

Mary Hirsch quotes

I was looking for an appropriate blood related quote, which was both humorous and poignant, for this latest blog post title. I finally decided on "Sod the rubber sword" after coming across the above quote by Mary Hirsch. I thought it would make the point, that I am making a point by drawing/donating blood this coming Friday, with a dash of humour.When else would I get to write something like "Sod the rubber sword"?(don't answer that). Whilst I say with confidence that I am donating blood on Friday, I could of course make a holy show of myself by puking or fainting or both. At least that would make a fun post and you could mock me at will.
Its especially important to me because of the mumborg and her current defective status. She had reached normal Hb levels on Saturday and wasn't expected to need anymore blood. Unfortunately these doctors like to change their minds more often than a whore's knicker elastic breaks, so on arrival at visiting time today, she was hooked up to another bag of the red stuff. Also the wound is still leaking and they have decided to open it up (well open it more) and have a look/rummage/poke. This involves an operating theatre, blood, superglue and some sticky back plastic, well maybe not the sticky back plastic. So as she is losing blood on Friday, I should hopefully be giving it, the circle of life continues, in its weird bloody way.

“Of all that is written, I love only what a person has written with his own blood”
Friedrich Nietzsche quotes (German classical Scholar, Philosopher and Critic of culture, 1844-1900.

I am sure good old Frieddy was being all deep and meaningful, but sometimes it just sounds like a load of old pretentious bollocks.

The best blood will at some time get into a fool or a mosquito.
Author: Austin O'Malley

Mine better not get into a fool! I would be exceptionally pissed off. You aint putting my blood in no fool, fool.

Erm..... Just go and give some bloody blood! If you cant, then club someone over the head, kindly ask friends and family to go in your stead.

Give Blood

Taking the PICC

Click image to Biggify

Well the mumborg is still leaking away after copious swaddling and bandaging. She has been swaddled more than baby jeebus and bandaged tighter than Tutankhamen, but the blood still keeps on oozing.
Also her veins have given up the ghost and she had to have a PICC line inserted, so they could easily administer the blood transfusions and IV antibiotics. Her hand in the picture above is bruised and battered because of the constant blood tests and IV's, so the PICC line was the only way to go. Of course nothing is ever simple with the mumborg and it took three attempts to get a PICC line in, which hopefully will now last six months.
At the moment she needs another three units of blood and lots of antibiotics, just one unit of blood takes four hours to drip drip its way into the mumborg, the thing is almost hypnotising when you see it, drip dripping away. After every unit of blood, a bag of IV antibiotics is needed, which takes two hours, then another unit of blood and so on. I am just tired typing that, so as you can imagine the mumborg is in serious need of uninterrupted regeneration time. That wont happen until all the blood is in and the wound has stopped bloody leaking.

All this blood loss and leaking has made me think about donating blood, its something I have always 'meant' to do, but somehow never got round to it. The mumborg would be dead without the kindness of strangers going out of their way and donating some of the red stuff. When I got back from the hospital I checked the local paper and there is blood drive (?) on the 27th, so I think I will go and just bloody do it!

Mumborg mummy

After the recent blood spurting from wound and ominous clot incident, the surgeon decided it would be good idea to open things up and 'hoover' out the clot. I am not sure if hoover is the technical term, the mumborg quite possibly made that up.Hold the phone! Hoovering is not that far from the truth , 'suctioning' or 'vacuming' are both terms used in that procedure, so she wasn't that far off. So from midnight last night she has put on nil by mouth, as per usual when its the night before a surgical procedure.
Fast forward to visiting time today and it turns out, that after many hours of deliberation (and nil by mouth), they decided to forego surgery for awhile and see if some heavy duty bandages would stop the blood loss. If so, they will then figure out what to do about the clot, if its still a problem. The already anaemic mumborg needs some more blood for now and some IV antibiotics to ward off evilness.While the mumborg is not quite mummified, its not far off.

If a mumborg loses her bandages, how long does she have to stay in the hospital?

Until she is completely recovered........

Sprung a leak

The mumborg has decided to lose more blood, by spurting forth copious amounts from the operation wound. So she needs a few more top ups to get back to the acceptable Hb limits. During all this malarkey a clot has formed, that will now have to be scanned using ultrasound to see if it needs to be drained. Other than that the mumborg is doing well and still manages to give me long to do lists.......

Unclean Unclean!

Well you know how I love a catchy title, especially when talking about the mumborg. What am I yammering on about this time? The lovely topic of mumborg and the not so lovely fact that she has MRSA again.

The not so curious case of MRSA and The Mumborg 2009

The mumborg arrived in hospital on Monday with a suspected dislocated bionic hip and possible shifting of one of the pins holding bionic leg together. She is assessed and kept in the observation area of the hospital, swabs are taken and she is clear of MRSA at this point.

After being diagnosed with a broken 'cup' part of the bionic hip, also some problems in the locking mechanism and lining, the mumborg is sent up to the orthopaedic wards. At this point she is settled in and more swabs and bloods are taken. It is after the results come back from these tests, that it shows she is now positive for MRSA and is promptly moved to her own room.

This reminds me of a biblical quote by this bloke:

'People who come down with a skin disease must wear torn clothes and leave their hair uncombed. They must cover their upper lips and call out, 'Unclean, unclean!'
Leviticus 13:45

Okay that one is a bit extreme, let the woman comb her hair and keep her nightgown in one piece.Maybe the original blogger Samuel Pepys can sum it up better, using the plague of 1665 as inspiration.

This day I did in Drury Lane see two or three houses marked with a red cross upon their doors and "Lord have mercy upon us" writ there, which was a sad sight to me." Plague was so common that this would have been a common sight in London with the person seeing it simply feeling sorry for the family inside the locked house.

 Does the NHS need their own personal Great Fire of London (1666), to sort this bloody MRSA mess out?

Excuse the drama llama in me and I do not wish to appear flippant, I just need to vent. I understand the reasons of putting the mumborg in her own room, heck if I was in hospital, I would love my own room! That's better than mad old Betty trying to get in bed with you or her trying to use your chair as a commode (true stories). Also I would not want it passed onto anyone else, especially the ones even more vulnerable than my mumborg. Anyhoo back on track with the tale of the unclean.

Once she is safely away from all the other patients and in her own room, the nurses have to take special care when they are in the room.Wearing disposable plastic bibs over uniform, disposable gloves and washing hands thoroughly after removing said gloves.

Today she went into surgery to have the broken hip cup replaced, locking mechanism fixed and some new lining put in. It was a seven hour operation and fingers crossed everything went well. The problem is that now she has had surgery, the risk of infection is even higher than usual and there is no way of knowing if the wound will get infected or not. They will want to get her out of hospital pretty sharpish, but at what cost?

I am not shocked by the fact that the mumborg had got MRSA again whilst in hospital, even though it is shockingly disgusting that it has happened. I am disappointed though and it leaves you wondering what they are actually doing about it, in the big picture sense. All of the hoo-ha about it in the news, over and over again, yet there it is, still hanging around ready to pounce on the vulnerable. I use the alcohol gel repeatedly on entering and exiting the ward. Do you? Are you ever asked to? Should you be asked?. All I know is that they are very very strict on the times you can visit your friends/family, keeping the doors locked till its exactly visiting time and kicking you out promptly when visiting time runs out. I have never been asked to clean my hands, but it certainly wouldn't bother me if I was. Would it really irk you if you were asked to do it? I know I am guilty of tutting very loudly when I spot somebody not using the gel. Do people really not know how important it is?

Did you hear they've banned Scrabble from hospital wards? 
They're scared patients will get MRSA.

Taking the piss! Literally.

I thought I would do a mum update before I finish my bridesmaid story. So you will have to wait till later on today to get that tale.

The mum stayed awake during the whole NINE hours of surgery, with four surgeons working on her. When I say awake I mean as awake as you can be whilst having bits of you chopped off. The reason why she was awake, was she is just too risky a candidate for General Anaesthetic as she is allergic too it. The last time she had it for a major surgical procedure her whole body was paralyzed, as every muscle in her body forgot to work. This was some default in her auto immune system and was a very scary time for everyone. So instead of a general anaesthetic the pain was managed by an epidural. That in itself was a challenge and it took the experts over an hour to get the needle in. My mum is a complicated bugger when it comes to medical treatment.
Anyways back to the latest surgical procedure, they seem to have replaced what they needed to replace (right hip and femur) with the appropriate metal work and the mums legs are back to being the same length.
Only time will show us how successful the procedure really was, the biggest risk now is infection!

Now a funny but true moment to lighten the mood.
When you have been though major surgery they like to keep you as still as possible, so that means no unnecessary toilet trips. How does one go to the loo then? They whack in a catheter of course, a jolly apparatus that is actually far from jolly. In case you don't know what one is, a tube is shoved up your bits(urethra) and the whizz is collected in a bag. This bag has to be see through as they like to check on the colour for all sorts of medical reasons.
The mum is used to all this, as she has had one a million and one times. When you have been in and out of hospital as many times as the mum very little embarrasses you any more and you develop a robust sense of humour. If your bag needs emptying it needs emptying, so you give the nurses a buzz with plenty of warning. Unfortunately the nurses get rather busy and the bag gets fuller and fuller.

Do we think they came in time?

Of course not!

There will be blood!

I love thinking of snappy post titles and before you worry, no I haven't gone postal (yet) and rampaged through the village in a crazed frenzy.
The mum aka cupboard monster has finally gotten her operation date! It will be a week today and there will be blood!

Read here for more mum info *the Mum*. It is a humdinger of a operation, I last mentioned this way back in December Operation bionic leg is go go go and it has took this long for the doctors to get their shit together. She will go into hospital on the Wednesday and then they operate on Thursday at some point.
Then the wedding is on the next day,nice timing isn't it? So that adds a wee bit of stress, but I am just glad she is having the operation at long last.
I am going to be mad mad mad busy up till then, with coursework to be done, last minute wedding stuff and the mum. Tomorrow I am going for my make up trial for the wedding which will hopefully not make me look like a clown or a hooker or worse a clown hooker!

Excuse me while I spontaneously combust.

Today I shall be probed.

I am off to be poked, prodded and probed by the doctor today, to hopefully solve the Sinus epidemic that i have had for a year!

I will update this post when I get back.

Before you read the update, thanks for everyone that wished me well.

Update: I was nasally probed, nasally not any other ***ally! :)
I don't know whether to be pissed off, angry, depressed or just disappointed. The doctor numbed the nostrils and had a good old probe. What did she discover? No, I repeat No sinus juice, but I do have a bent over septum. She then moved onto the ears, no sinus juice there either! But one is slightly scarred from the infections.
So there is at the moment no sign of sinusitis but that happens if you have it Chronically, so an xray of the sinus area is needed to see if there is any blockages. Now I have to wait for an xray appointment, then wait FOUR FECKING months to see the specialist.

I guess I will go with pissed off!!!

Return of the Tongue

For those of you that wont have a clue what I am talking about, read the first part of this thrilling drama here in Who needs a tongue.
There is also a cartoon depicting the surgical process for that don't like to read.
(But if you cant be arsed, basically the mum may have cancer in her tongue)

Incidentally that post was quite a big hit on Stumble! Thanks for that :)

Anyhow back to point of this post. Well after a visit to the lovely dentist doctor today , he has declared the tongue cancer free, whoop whoop!

Is anything ever that simple for my mum? Of course not! Its not simply your tongue is fine, its just a manky abscess. It has to be, my that's a strange thing lets take some more blood and discover what is behind this Auto Immune phenomena! Maybe its a weird unheard of bacteria or fungi. I think you could get an episode of house out of my mums tongue.

So the tongue drama continues for now, but thankfully she will still be able to do tongue twisters!

Silly Simon's sitting in a shoe shine shop.

Where he sits he shines, and where he shines he sits.

Operation Bionic Leg is go go go!

They have decided to assimilate I mean operate on the mum, so its all systems go. By all systems go I mean sometime in February. The mum would like a Christmas away from the hospital so she is glad that its not going to be rushed. Lets hope they don't take the piss and make her wait ages, that would make me angry.
As I educate myself on the biomechanics of an internal femoral prosthesis, the more you realise what a long and complicated operation this is. The team of doctors are very optimistic about the surgical aspect of it. The thing that worries them the most is infection, infections at this stage in the game would be very bad. When I say very bad I mean the worst outcome possible.
To further prepare for the operation, I have had to widen my joke catalogue and have begun an Internet search for terms such as 'robot mum jokes' and 'my mum is half robot'. I was not very satisfied with the results, so if you know any good jokes along those lines please pass them on.

For those that don't hop by this blog very often, the mum aka cupboard monster has been in and out of hospital for years. So although this is a serious situation, I have developed my own unique way of coping.

Who needs two legs?

What do you call a one legged lady?
Eileen!

I have not done a cupboard monster (mum) update for a fair while, so I thought I would bring you up to speed with the latest info.
It looks like the leg is not going to get any better, in fact it is going to get worse if left in its current condition. The main problems with it, is the tissue damage and continual breaks. So the plan is to remove all the work they have done so far, the donor femur (off dead person), bone putty, wiring and pins. Then they will be left with a wibbly wobbly empty shell above the knee, here they will insert an internal prosthesis. The mum will become a bionic lady and although wont be running any marathons, should at least be able to get a bit of mobility back.
I am as always using humour to cover up the serious nature of this operation, if it goes ahead. Even though the mum is only 47 she is a very high risk surgical candidate and there is a quite high possibility that she might lose the leg or worse. If she can be up beat and positive about all this, then so will I.
The final decision will be made on Friday morning about operation lop off.

Where does the one legged waitress work?
The Ihop

Cupboard Monster Latest

Sorry for not updating you on the Cupboard Monster sooner, for those just tuning in, the cupboard monster is in fact my mum. My mum is bemused by the fact that i call her the cupboard monster, but that will soon fade once she is home from hospital and back in her cupboard.
The leg is not broken! Apparently as the mum doesn't have a proper hip socket anymore due to it wearing away, the leg came out and caused some damage. Tendons were ripped and a wires from previous operations caused some confusion in the x rays.So no more operations for the time being. Still not sure when she will be home as she needs to get her 'levels' sorted out due to suffering from Addison's Crisis, which i will explain in a more in depth post.

If you would like to catch up on this saga click here: The Story so far .

Legless

That picture above is the good leg of the cupboard monster, I restrained myself and have not posted the scars/open wound photo's (yet).
I don't have much news for you as the doctors cant agree on whether its broken or not and the physios wont touch the mother until they know for sure what is happening. The mother is still in a lot of pain and has mentioned wanting the leg amputated, which may seem extreme. I doubt they would do that anyway as she wouldn't be able to heal properly.

Although in pain she is still in good spirits as always, just a bit pissed off. The specialist should get around to see her at some point tomorrow so will know more then!