Meet country-cooking mastermind, Jenny Wheeler and her devoted, deliriously happy husband Calvin. And why is Calvin so gosh-darned happy? Because he lives in Spryford, the one town where every wife knows how to use Spry vegetable shortening in all her baking and frying! Or if she doesn't, she soon will...You know, that's one of the funny things about Spryford. Women come to the town-- career women no time, no interest, or no talent for baking-- but a few days with Aunt Jenny and, why, they're like a whole new person... Smiling perpetually, baking like crazy, and with a strange whirring gear-like sound when they walk...
Hm. Odd.
Well, today, we're going to take a look at this dandy little cookbook as Aunt Jenny spreads helpful hints about the goodness of Spry to take over-- er-- share, share with the women of the world.
I know James Lileks did a hysterical send-up of this booklet in his inimitable Gallery of Regrettable Food, but I hope folks won't mind my doing an entirely different treatment on it. When I found this booklet in an antique store in Butler, Pennsylvania for just $1, it seemed way too good not to play around with myself.
Yes, friends, let's watch as Aunt Jenny reprograms-- er, talks about Spry-- with everyone in the neighborhood, from new brides (it's better to initiate them when they're young and malable) to the postman. So come with me today as we check out Jenny's digestible, commestible, strangely close-knit and unnaturally euphoric world of Spry shortening.
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Calvin: How did you ever decide what recipes to put in this book of yours, Jenny? Why, you must know thousands?
Jenny: Well, Calvin, I knew folks would want receipts for every day-- not too fussy or hard on the pocketbook, but good-tastin'. These sure are, - an' so digestible even a child can eat 'em. For they're all made the Spry way.
Jenny. She's folksy, isn't she?
That's what seems to draw them in. A sweet old lady with a round, kind face and a single-minded love of Spry Shortening. The photo on the wall was the real Jenny. The original Jenny. Before the transformation to the early animatronic model you see now.
The reason she remembers thousands of recipes is, her databank is quite large considering the technology available then. Sorting out a few recipes for this book was a matter of seconds.
Jenny: "Good tastin' food makes a heap of difference to any family, doesn't it ladies? And that's why you'll set such a store by Spry. It makes everythin' taste so grand...
"So get a can of Spry today... You'll say Spry blends with other ingredients faster'n you can say Jack Robinson!"
"Faster'n you can say Jack Robinson." Yep- Aunt Jenny was programmed with over 2,000 tried-and-true homey cliches. That was Calvin's idea. He wasn't sure what his ideal woman would say if he were listening --- though he was pretty sure it wasn't "Calvin, are you coming home late again?" Or "Calvin, are you ever going to pick up your own socks?" Or "Calvin, I was thinking about taking a trip to visit that Loovree in France and seeing DaVinky's Mona Liza."
So he just pulled together a nice assembly of pat phrases, witticisms and cute country mispronunciations to give it a real, legitimate feel.
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Calvin knew, the moment Jenny went from thinking about seeing paintings in that Loovree, to baking for him 24/7, that moving to Spryford and... improving Jenny as they had... had been the best decision he'd ever made. Why, he almost can't stand the joy of it. Does any man have a right to be this happy?
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Jenny herself never observed a change in her sentiments. She's been programmed not to. Nope, all she wants to do is share her knowledge about the wonders of Spry with women of the entire world. It's a driving need.
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Here you can see some of the other ladies of Spryville who have also been.... improved.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------And Calvin, well, he wants other men to experience the marital and culinary bliss he's now enjoying. And it all starts with the magical, mind-blowing ingredients in that first can of Spry...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Here we see young Elmer's mom hasn't been assimilated yet...
Elmer's mom is new to Spryville. She moved there to work on the Spryville Gazette, using her moxie in her job as investigative reporter. But soon Elmer will be delivering her this kind housewarming gift from Aunt Jenny down the road... A can of Spry. And then, well, we'll just see if she still thinks baking cookies is too much work.
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Calvin wasn't expecting that condescending "husbands are like children" attitude to seep in, even after the Spry transformation. But the other husbands indicate it's a glitch in the programming they haven't been able to correct. They assure him it adds realism, in case outsiders start poking around. Besides, it's a small price to pay for happy little homemakers, and baked goods whenever they want 'em.
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Jenny's programming runs a bit amock sometimes. So strong is her need for Spry Evangelism, it sometimes extends into Spry promotion to some of the old bachelors of Spryford. Of course, Spryford is a family town, so no one really wants these strange old bachelors roaming around, anyway. Why didn't these fellows just settle down and have a family like they were supposed to? Well, a little Spry, a little tweaking of the Spry program, and why, perhaps they could be... improved... too.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here we see Aunt Jenny in the first stages of... helping... one of the new brides of Spryford. Soon the jibes about this girl's biscuits will be a thing of the past. And so will that novel she's been struggling to get published in her spare time. Yes, soon she won't be upset anymore by rejection letters, by potential agents and publishers looking down their noses at her beloved work. No, soon she'll finally be completely content, fulfilled-- just by baking with Spry.
It's an act of mercy, really.
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Postman Cooper was there when Jenny was first... improved. He'd always thought she was a right handsome woman, and now that she's really a part of Spryford, why, he thinks she's the cat's pajamas. He stops by every chance he gets, to see her in action.
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Calvin, meanwhile, has gained 40 pounds since his early days married to Jenny. But it's no problem, it's not as if Jenny will ever complain.
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And lastly, here we see Jenny helping a couple of newlyweds start their marriage off right, with Spry intervention. In just a week, Jenny and the good citizens of Spryford help turn this bride into yet another example of Spryford perfection.
Yes, the way to the heart is through the stomach. And anyone in Spryford will tell you, the first step to the stomach, is through digestible, commestible and 100% cult-endorsed Spry.
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- Did you check out this last week's Treasure Box Wednesday, where we discovered the treasures of the Great Outdoors? Click here.
Otherwise, I hope to see you for this coming Wednesday's post! Hope September is treating you well so far.
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